A Conversation About Loneliness with Dr. Ruth

You went from being the worlds best known sex therapist to New Yorks new ambassador of loneliness. What prompted you to raise the issue with Gov. Hochul?

I've known loneliness, even extreme loneliness, during my 95 years. When I was 10 years old, I was separated from my family and never saw them again. When I was 20, I was caught in a bomb blast and almost died and wondered what would happen to me.

Also, I lost my husband of 35 years to a stroke in 1997. And I've been lonely at other times too. So, when I read about the loneliness epidemic, given my history and my experience as a therapist, I knew I had to join the fight against loneliness.

Your story shows that the issue of loneliness is not something new. Why do you suppose its receiving so much attention now?

Loneliness is part of the human condition, and everyone has felt it. But today we are seeing it affect large swaths of the population in ways it never did before. The isolation caused by the COVID [pandemic] played a huge role. Young adults should be out, having a good time with their friends, but theyre not. And with people living longer, seniors are finding that they've lost most of their friends.

With technology, were more connected than weve ever been. Why isnt social media helping us to be less lonely?

In order not to feel lonely, you have to physically be with another person. Being online with someone offers some relief, but not enough. And so many young people aren't even online with a friend but with strangers and bots. That's not going to help the situation at all.

How do you approach someone who is lonely?

It doesn't take much. A smile or a hello will mean a lot to the lonely person. I know people are afraid of getting involved, that if they reach out to a lonely person, they'll get stuck being their friend and they don't have the time for that. But there are lots of ways of reaching out that will help the lonely person without risking too much involvement. Certainly, sending flowers is one of those.

What is your advice for helping someone who appears lonely but doesn't want help?

That's a tough one because people will get defensive and say they're not lonely when they are. The first step to curing loneliness is to admit that it's a problem and then act, but that first step can be very hard for some people. I'm writing a book, The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life, which will offer many tips about what to do because I know how difficult it can be.

Finally, what advice do you offer to someone who is feeling lonely?

The first thing I advise is to step in front of a mirror and have a talk with yourself. You can accomplish much the same thing by journaling. Or you can turn on the camera on your phone and make a selfie video. The lonely person will discover that once he or she has shined a light on the problem, it will be much easier to deal with it.

Until you admit that you're lonely, you'll never be able to get over it. And it's alright if you cry. Yes, your situation is sad but once you admit the problem you can begin to take steps to cure it.