Gentle Parenting vs. 1-2-3 Magic: Handling 'No' Situations with Ease

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60 Minutes: Gentle Parenting and 1-2-3 Magic

1-2-3 Magic has been around for about forty years. 1-2-3 Magic also shares the goals of no arguing, yelling, or spanking, but it does not encourage discussion in the middle of a discipline situation, since at those times both parent and child are irritated, which blocks new learning.

Parents often have to say "No" to their children. Lets look at a typical parent-child No interaction step by step as it might be handled by each program, gentle parenting and 1-2-3 Magic. At five o'clock one afternoon six-year-old Kristin has asked her mother, Marie, for one-half of a leftover cupcake. Marie has said No, dear, its too close to dinner. Instead of dropping the matter, however, Kristin pushes the issue by stating, No its not too close for me. Ill eat my dinner. Its just a half cupcake.

OK, fine. Kids do this type of thing all the time. How are our two parenting methods going to handle Kristin here? Lets examine how each program might unfold over the next 60 minutes. As you'll see, gentle parenting and 1-2-3 Magic will diverge in what they suggest Marie do.

Gentle Parenting

Marie senses her daughters irritation and concludes that this is an important emotion coaching moment. She first tries to engage her child, saying, Listen, honey, sit down here for a minute. I know youre irritated with me. Do you know its ok to be frustrated with your mother? Its normalits ok. I understand.

In response to her mothers I understand youre irritated with me, Kristin states more forcefully, I am not mad at youI just want a little bit to eat! Marie tries taking the coaching further: Its ok, honey. We feel emotions in our bodies. Tell me where in your body you feel this frustration. Is it in your tummy?

Moms Anger is Normal Speech communicates to the young girl that her mother is uncomfortable with Kristins irritation. Kristin also really doesnt know what her mother is talking about, but the perceived weakness makes Kristin more hopeful about getting the cupcake. So, she ups the ante with, Thats really stupid!

Now Mom is also angry at her daughter for her lack of cooperation, for her testing, and manipulation, and for her uncaring dismissal of the attempted emotion coaching. She spends the next 25 minutes on the theme of How do you think it makes me feel when you treat me like this (trying to teach compassion) and Why can you not take a simple No for an answer. Now Kristin feels angry and guilty.

After Mom's subdued but tense educational speech ends, she and her daughter go their separate ways, both frustrated and both guilty. They each stew for the next half hour. Kristin doesnt get the cupcake, so the limit was respected. But the cost was dear. Marie is child focused. She continues to feel that whenever Kristin is having an emotional moment, its time for her to instruct the girl so shell grow up to be emotionally intelligent. Time for herself is not a priority.

123 Magic

After Kristin pushes back about the cupcake, Marie knows her daughter is irritated and that the girl is trying out a little testing and manipulation. She knows Kristin really wants that treat! But she has already said "No" and explained her reason. She wants her daughter to learn to accept No gracefully, so instead of discussing further, she uses a signal. She used to say, Thats one, but she and Kristin decided together to use colors instead of counts. So here Marie simply says, Honey, purple.

Kristin knows that Honey, purple means "I'm doing something I shouldnt be doing." In this case its testing and manipulation (Type #1, Badgering). Kristin is learning to think for herself. She also knows from past experience that her mother means business when she says No, so pushing the issue isnt going to get her the cupcake.

Seeing a dead-end cupcake situation, Kristin drops the issue. Since the "crisis" was resolved quickly, with no chance for anger/guilt escalation, mother and daughter move on easily to another subject. They spend the next 25 minutes cheerfully planning their next days trip to the mall. This is known as positive attachment.

After their joint planning session, Kristin goes on her way and Mom spends the next half hour relaxing with a cup of coffee and a good book. Mom here is parent focused and child focused. She knows her sanity is importantgood for her, her husband, and her daughter.