I Am the Only Person on the Fury Road Who Still Drives a Sensible Car

Its a Sunday. Memorial Day was last week. Think pieces are being written about weekend grosses. In the cultural imagination (if not technically) the summer has begun. What better time to relax, take a big sip of your preferred morning beverage, and enjoy a laugh or two, courtesy of McSweeneys Internet Tendency?

In addition to publishing your favorite form-breaking fiction and nonfiction in elegantly designed books and magazines, McSweeneys publishes daily humor online almost every day.

Psst. Guess what? Subscriptions to The Believer are $10 off all weekend. Subscribe today!

I AM THE ONLY PERSON ON THE FURY ROAD WHO STILL DRIVES A SENSIBLE CAR

by JOHNATHAN APPEL

When the world died, all that was left was chaos. All that awaited us was death. Living in the ashes of our civilization, Ive learned two things: I can rely only on myself, and I am the only person in this whole wasteland who still drives a sensible car.

I know a 2006 Toyota Camry may not be very flashy or deadly, but its dependable, sturdy, and, affordable. And Ive realized thats what I need to survive this endless nightmare humanity has created for itself.

Lets just start with the obvious: theres air conditioning. Why doesnt anyone else have that? I have no idea how you drive around an arid dead wasteland without the AC blasting.

Now, look at the safety features. For one thing, my Toyota has seat belts. On all the seats. That used to be standard. I just dont understand how we reached the point where the number of skulls on your car means more than the number of awards your car got from J.D. Power & Associates.

It also has airbags, which are, frankly, way more effective than hoping that one of the many dead bodies littering the ground cushions your fall. There are a lot of them strewn around, but its just not a guarantee.

And taking those precautions is more important than ever. Everyone drives too fast. Slow down! Where is everyone going? There is literally nowhere to go; we live in a post-apocalyptic hellscape brought on by humanitys hubris and drive for self-destruction.

I know civilization no longer exists, but driving etiquette still does. I dont care how many wheels or turrets your war rig has; if youre trying to turn left and Im going straight, I have the right of way.

Speaking of turning, I seem to be the only one who bothers to signal anymore. Ive seen cars with two hundred spikes and no rear taillight. Just take two of the spikes off!

And when you need to pass, you dont need to yell, WITNESS ME! A simple honk of your horn is just fine.