This Father’s Day, Give Your Dad the Only Gift He Really Wants: A Story about How You Found a Great Parking Spot

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THIS FATHERS DAY, GIVE YOUR DAD THE ONLY GIFT HE REALLY WANTS: A STORY ABOUT HOW YOU FOUND A GREAT PARKING SPOT

by TALIA ARGONDEZZI

Hey, honey, its me, Dad.

Decades of Fathers Day gifts from you have proven that you know only one thing about me: that I identify as a male. Youve given me literally eight ties, even though surely the only time youve seen me wear one was at Poppys funeral. I dont remember what was embossed on the personalized tie clip you gave me one year, but it was probably something like DAD (MALE PARENT).

A gift certificate to a steakhouse? A box of cigars? A jerky gift basket? The cheese-of-the-month club? Seems like you know Im a man but not that heart disease is the number one cause of death among men of all ages.

And no offense, but quite a few of your gifts have done nothing but remind me of labor I hate performing. One year you gave me a toolbox. Another year, a multitool, a.k.a. a more condensed toolbox. These gifts say, Here, Dad, the toilets running, so you might want to check if the chain is getting caught under the flapper. Feel free to replace the sinks rusting drain stopper while youre in there. In fact, you can repair whatever you wantthis is your special day!

The polo shirts, the camouflage-print bathrobes, the grill accessory kits? Seems like you just googled man stuff.

But these men apparently like beer-themed gifts are better than the times you use Fathers Day to reflect, in writing, on our complicated relationship. You appreciate the sacrifices Ive made and cherish the fun times weve spent together. Youve come to terms with the deficient amount of affection our cultures stifling notions of masculinity have allowed me to show you. But this Fathers Day, I want you to remember one important fact:

I dont give a shit about any of that.

Im done with dropping hints. No more telling you a story about a parking spot I found, in the hopes youll reciprocate. No more describing the great parking spot Garys daughter found last week, imagining your jealousy will motivate you.

Im straight-up begging you to give me the only thing in this world that brings me joy: a story about how you found a really great parking spot.